I want to write today before I have to go to bed, so I will. I have. A lot of thoughts I think, about a lot of things, but as per usual I dont really know how to digest it all. The past week has been lovely. I was afraid the next week would be horrible. And then it turned out after today that there will never be horrible weeks again. Yay!

I've been very excited about halloween lately! I don't know what it is. Maybe just the fact that im out of highschool now and can better appreciate it, Ive just not really ever felt particularly festive for halloween in a looong time, so its different. It helps with my anxiety about turning 20, which all things considered is neither that scary nor a big deal. I really like seeing all the art people make, and I've especially loved seeing how some websites on neocities decorate their pages for halloween!!! I think its really cute :33 Halloween has been a weird time for me for a long time now, so im glad its starting to feel normal again. I've been all corny about it too, thinking about dressing up and event making halloween related art.. It doesn't help that my dad is being absolutely fucking nuts about halloween decorations lol. I can only pray I have the energy he does when Im further into adulthood to be able to decorate spaces like he does, its really cool honestly.

While I was gone, I did a lot of reading and a lot of planning. Mostly planning for more reading. I read the Nature of Oaks and also the book I previously mentioned Demian, the latter of which I fully finished. Holy fuck. What a book about pagan fags. God it pissed me off it drove me crazy. Reading a book about "2 best friends growing up through boyhood together" written in the 1910's, expecting nothing queer to come of it due to the time and then for it to end with them kissing has the same shock of being lot shot in the head. 10/10 book. I think I came to the verge of tears over 30 times at multiple points while listening to it and after finishing it because of the shit it made me think about. But this is all completely unrelated lol. Most of what I thought about was how to go forward with my own practice. Though my faith has been scattered, the only person that can put it back together again is me, and like I've been doing this shit for nearly 10 years atp I can figure it out lol. I think I am interested in continuing my studies in druidism, and actually trying to become an ordained druid, although thats a pretty hefty commitment to make. I would like to be ordained under the Reformed Druids of North America [ RDNA ] but their courses are veryyyyy dense and very long. It would likely take a year or two to fully complete. That being said, it is a necessity because it is a form of self training, and I am excited by what I could gain from it. It actually WAS me looking into druidry that got me into environmentalism and activism. I started studying it about a year ago or so, and it led me to many texts such as Braiding Sweetgrass which completely radicalized me into the green freak I am, and thus my focus switched to the more mundane aspects of my relationship with Nature. I got really caught up learning about activism and environmentalism, and my work studying druidry completely escaped me lol. But I know much more, and my newfound love for the mundane natural world is something that I feel can be much more easily alchemized into my spirituality now. Granted, I'm a bit worried that taking up this research may hinder my studies in activism and environmentalism [ which i am still pursuing and am doomed to study for eternity ], so Im still kinda holding the breaks on all of this, as much as I am excited. I know it will come to me one day, and I know I will come back to my path. Everytime I've wandered off course I've always found my way back, without fail.

Going back to Demian though again, it made me think about a lot of other things as well truth be told. I was very inspired by the way it was written, and how it reflected my own image, experiences, and even former relationships in a way that made me sick. But in a positive way, that I think let something escape from me. I want to write even more then ever. Not just for here but for myself casually as well. And I want to write not because I want to show anyone, but because I fear it is the only way I can digest myself and know myself. I feel like for the past few years I have become more and more of a stranger to myself, and that is the greatest betrayal I could ever commit. I've numbed myself with drugs and shit and shunned all thought, mostly because I've been afraid its too much, or too overwhelming for others. I feel ill sharing my thoughts with people because I have to hear them myself, and Im terrified by what it sounds like, and I hate it viciously. But its led me to simply tuning myself out. I dont sit on anything I feel anymore, I barely even consume it in the first place, and I feel ashamed thinking about how those around me used to applaud and compliment me for being so "Emotionally intelligent." Makes me feel like a joke. I think just trying to give a release to the internal tension I constantly have all the time would be helpful. I have so much I think about, always, and I can never make enough of it. Rarely do I share any of those things I think, but they are still immense and intense, and it makes me want to vomit. Literally. I think I just need to get the shit in my head out somehow, however that might be. It doesnt really matter, I just dont want it to be anybodys burden but my own. I've considered getting a new journal to write in casually, but Im thinking I should just try to write digitally first before doing that. We'll see. Now that Im thinking about it, I'd actually quite like to do that tomorrow.

I've been pretty tired all day long. Admittedly I kinda had The Crashout Of The Month because I havent had my meds for 5 days [ guaranteed to change tomorrow ]. Smashing your head into walls is a tiring activity ! Though it doesnt really count or actually matter much if im not bleeding or something. It was kind of important though, and in retrospect strangely a good thing I spiraled so hard, because I accidentally spilled the worst things I know, and for once it had positive effects.

Since having talked to them about it, I feel better talking about it here. Not like any of the people Im even alluding to even read the shit I put here anyways, they dont fucking care. Ive been in a situation recently where I realized that I had been being groomed since I was 16 years old by some older people Ive known for a long time now. Not like sexually but I was very much brought into a cult esc situation and pretty badly manipulated into weird fucking ideas, which is what I've been alluding to throughout these posts with the whole ""my spiritual beliefs are in shambles."" I believed the many things they told me for years, and the day somebody ran away ran into me and told me everything that'd happened to them, it kinda just felt like a rug was being pulled out from under me in terms of everything I thought I knew. That the shit I had been fed for so long was a complete lie. I cant even stomach to think about the pantheons associated with them anymore, it makes me freak out. Ive been considerably safe on account of the fact that I never moved in with these people like they've begged me to do for years [ nor did I let them legally adopt me as they insisted as well ], but I've been really fucking anxious about this because due to sharing a class with some of them I havent been able to get away entirely. BUT ! Now my real family knows. And they were very supportive, and very helpful. I've been able to work with my college and professors since and I'm able to get out of that class, and I dont have to see them again, and in fact I can avoid them altogether. I do not have to watch them hurt their animals or hurt other people anymore, and I hold no obligations to them. THANK. FUCK. I am safe now. I hadn't told anybody for at least a month and a half. The fact that Im even putting this here in the open is kinda insane of me because I was very afraid to tell anybody for quite some time, but it feels like a great weight was lifted from me. Im happy. And I dont have to be genuinely scared to go to a class.

Its from this that I feel the need to re-inspire my own relationship with my faith and start again. Fucking whatever if it was all false, it wasn't everything I believed, and I can return to all the things I have believed in, just as always. Frankly rekindling that spiritual relationship also means rekindling that relationship with myself, so all of this kinda comes together, as I want to write as to support this process too. Granted, nothing I make will likely ever be seen here. I dont know what Im doing. I should probably go to sleep soon, its like 12:30AM. I dont even know if anybody reads these dumb things, theyre so long and rambly lol. Im gonna spend the rest of the week volunteering, trying to clean my space from unpacking, and probably doing a shit ton of reading. I look forward to it.

Ive been wanting to write a new entry for a bit now, im just not sure Ive had that much interesting to say or talk about. I completed the long ass drive and now I'm with my boyfriend, as I have been for the past 3 day by now. I wish I could stay longer, I'm very happy here, but its alright. On the drive here I started reading the book Demian per my friends () bookclub, and its REALLY good. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a piece of classic literature so much. I haven't enjoyed a piece of fiction this much in a looooong time. And I've never been in a bookclub before, and I'm excited to rave about it, and probably add it to my website even if its not environmentally related lol. I think being in a ""bookclub"" consisting of 3 of your friends has made it a lot easier for me to enjoy this.
The drive here itself wasn't much to speak about beyond the reading itself. It was okay, and pleasant if anything, so I certainly didnt mind. Granted there was a point I was on the right side of a highway and a semi-truck straight up didnt see me, merged directly on top of me in the lane I was and drove me off the road without seeing me at all [ the highway extended past the road fortunately so I didnt just like. drive into a ditch. it was fine. ]
Ive just been really happy I think. Happy to spend a week doing fuck all, relaxing, playing with my friends and enjoying time with my boyfriend. Granted this has totally knocked out all of my typical habits which I have to keep up with after this. My life is sustained by my habits, they are the routines that provide structure to my life and inject meaning into the nothing I do all day. Without them I feel I become that nothing, but a small break is nice. I just hope I can get back on track after all of this.
I've been thinking a lot more still about my practice as of late. Trying to figure out how I can reconstruct it for myself, and only myself. I feel like I've hastily abandoned so mnay notions I've previously held due to many of the things happening lately. It doesn't sit right with me to believe in something that was actively used as a tool to manipulate me for years. So enough of my work with the Hellenic pantheon, I'm making my own damn path. I don't know where I stand with anything I've worshipped or believed in, so I've fallen back onto what I know and love most: nature itself. My worship of Cernunnos has continued, and it gives me great comfort. I am planning to maybe get a little more involved with a local pagan community, as though I am in a coven, my exposure to other pagans is still quite limited. I'm going to be attending their Samhain celebration this year. I am infinitely grateful that I have these things at least within an hour of me... I want to reconstruct what I know. And I want to sew faith back into my work as an ecologist.
The past year has strongly felt like a year of hermitting for me. I receeded from my path to turn my attention and studying towards actual activism and environmentalism, which has been great. But before I started that, I was actually set off by my studying of druidry, which is what initially pulled me to begin studying environmentalism. It was a rabbithole from there, and I have no idea which way I'm going or how I even got here, but I'm looking backwards and am wanting to retrace my path. I miss my faith. It was very important to me. I know I will get it back, and I know I will find it again.
Apologies for all the religious talk. I hope its not annoying to read about like most popular faiths can be. Paganism has been an essential part of my being for almost as long as I can remember. Granted that isn't much!
I've noticed recently how much stuff I'm beginning to forget. I guess its a no brainer, memory loss comes with the memory disorder, comes with ur fucking happymeal, but its . eueuuguhg. Things I thought I'd remember seem to be slipping away, not that they ever really felt like my own memories anyways. I already rememeber so little of my childhood, and now 2020 and beyond is beginning to fade to, and it leaves me with not much to work off of in terms of who I am. I can't remember all the names I used to go by anymore. I KNOW I remembered these thoroughly and precisely at one point in time, all the cringe and stupid names I experimented with and tried.. They were all important to me. And now I don't remember most of them. It doesn't make me mad, as I still remember the important ones, like the first name I picked or the one I went by the longest, but-.. I dont know. It worries me. I feel like I dont know anything LAWL but its alright. I complain and complain, but ultimately it feels alright, so long as I try not to worry about it too much.
I don't know what else to write. I've got nothing interesting happening in the slightest for the next week. But I'm excited to start being able to fill my time with volunteer work come next week.

The end of the first semester of the years is almost over. Much of my classes are 8-week ones, so this means the end of a lot of things, but I feel good having lots of my work done. I only have one small assignment and 2 finals left, and I should be completely done by Thursday. It's left me with a lot of free time as of the past few days, and I'm sure will lead to even more. I'm only gonna be taking an 8 week online class and one in person class for the second semester, so I'm gonna try to fill the spare time with volunteer work. I've really wanted to do more environmentally speaking, and I believe above research itself, volunteering is my way to accomplish that. I look forward to it.

It'd certainly be better than the political shit I've been getting involved with locally recently. Yesterday I went to protest against a neighboring citys police department since they wanna add like 30 more flock cameras to the place. Shit pisses me off. There was a council meeting to vote on it after the fact, which went about as well as you'd expect, and I wanna fucking maul these people. I did get to carry a huge ass pride flag tho during the protest and got some yummy treats after.



Come Friday, I'm gonna be taking the 10 hour trip to visit my long distance boyfriend. I'm really looking forward to it, but I always get frustratingly anxious the week leading up to it. I've gone to visit him plenty of times by now. It'll be just a week, and given how much shit has been going on with some of the people I know in real life, I think I'm happy to get away from it all for a short time and just be happy. I can't wait for him to move here. I keep thinking to myself about how much I imagine he'd like autumn up here more north, since its always burning hot in the south no matter what. I've been thinking about changing up Otterblog a bit. Now that I have this website, I'd like to depersonalize it from myself a bit more, which wasn't the original plan but what I'm gonna try and roll with from now on. I've generally been neglecting the site a bit lately [ mostly because of how much fun I've been having with this one ] but its given me the time to reevaluate what I wanna do with it I guess. Reformatting, what I wanna remove and replace... I don't know. I'll figure it out.

I've felt like lately I have so many ideas, but I struggle to know how to execute them. Big projects, local organization efforts, big writing ideas.. I did actually go through and have started making comics like I've wanted, or at least experimenting with them. Hopefully I'll have some to share in the future, and hopefully I'll actually get good at it. I've started using Krita more because of it, as I discovered it has a much better system for implementing halftone patterns, which is what I want for them. I'm still learning how to format comics well, and frankly I'm not too confident with my writing as a whole, but yk gotta start somewhere.

One of the ideas I've been pondering as well is how to try and start initiatives to encourage the alterhuman community to be more involved with environmentalism. You'd think a community majorly consisting of people who identify as things from the natural world would be more inclined to trying to help support the environment, but it's something I've rarely ever seen. I don't say that necessarily to scold alterhumans, but I just think it'd be cool to see more of. After sparking some conversations with others, this whole thing has led me to start tinkering with the idea of trying to organize more of a connected community between alterhumans in my area. I live in the middle of fuck nowhere, but theres some neighboring areas that I'm certain must have some population of the sort. Idk, I might be getting ahead of myself, but it's something I've been thinking about and something I'd like to see. But before I start any community initiatives of my own, I feel it would be best to become a part of more communities myself, as to better learn how to lead one. Maybe. Who knows. I sure don't.

I wanted to make an update just to share that I made a fake mini ad for navlink ads. I hope I get accepted.

Here lol

Octobers already here. I don't quite know what to write, but I wanted to write anyways, as I think I've had a lot on my mind. I'm going to be 20 this month, which isn't a big deal but I've been anxious about it. In a week or two I am going to be visiting my boyfriend again or fall break. I will be glad to get away and spend some time with him for a while. The end of the first 8 weeks is upon me, so my environmental biology class will be ending this week, which I'm pretty bummed about but its okay I had fun :3 This whole week has been a shit show but it fucking sucks cuz i cant rlly talk about it fuck my gay life.

I've been anxious about a lot this week. My spiritual beliefs have been rattled by recent events, which has brought me to question many of the past few years and what theyve meant to me. But I dont really know how to explain it otherwise. My beliefs are weird. Not sure im fucking ready to open that can of worms on this site. Though I have considered writing about other elements of my beliefs [ non spiritual ], liiiike how my alterhumanity directly connects with my activism and being solarpunk.

Ive considered a lot lately I should maybe, just ...... write. about myself more. I feel like my sense of self is really limited. I dont know what is real and whats not, and I dont really know what to do about it. I feel like a stranger to myself, a living illustration, and whatever I am to everyone else around me is beyond my control. But like maybe actually getting to know myself again or something would help. It'd probably help my art a lot. Its been really frustrating overall, but it could be worse. I feel like I am constantly afraid of being selfish in any way shape or form. Of embellishing myself so much that people stop taking me seriously. I have desperately wanted nothing more all my life to be listened to and taken seriously, and it feels like the only way to do that is to be quiet, but now i just get confused whenever i think about myself.

Tomorrow will be october 2nd. Or more like in 30 minutes. Thursdays are basically my Fridays, so I get to stay up late. At the end of the day as much as I feel like a lot of stuff reeks for me right now it could be much worse and i can appreciate that much. idfk. Trying to be joypilled. I have to be happy or ill just fucking di e. I dont know how much longer I will stay up.

Due to recent circumstances I replaced a lot of things but I was able to set up a neater and smaller altar for Cernunnos which i have been trying to make the habit of attending to daily. I genuinely have been more spiritually lost then i have ever been in my life at this point, and I feel like so much of what i believed in has just completely collapsed. i dont know what i believe in, and i dont know if that faith even means anything. I'd say we've been highly religious all our life so this has been difficult for us. Dont know what to do. :(



Oh well. it makes me happy. here it is.

I had a very vivid dream last night that I murdered somebody and got away with it. A young girl around my age, during an arguement on a bridge at night I shot her in the head. I remember it very clearly, the way she fell to the floor. Somebody else was there, and the rest of the dream consisted of people trying to figure out what happened. At one point I was with my psychologist, her office was backwards, and I was talking about my week and strongly felt the need to tell her what happened.

It doesn't matter, it wasn't real, but its weird the things I feel through these dreams. It certainly felt real, at least for a moment of time in my imagination. Idk whatever.
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yknow what, this is my page i can do what i want, diary is just gonna be a mini log now for whatever i want, whenevr i feel like. todays been ............... fucking whatever, im really tired of people. it is a constant back and forth of wanting company and wanting to be alone, because i love people but get sick of them really easily. Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just weird because i forgot my meds this morning, which truth be told is just my own damn fault but whatever. I really do not like being dragged into shit i dont want to be apart of. I really do not like people talking to me and assuming we are friendly because i am kind. And i REALLY do not like my own lack of a spine, i wish i could fucking kill these people. Not rlly. Which is the problem ! But thats ok i will be good because the world needs that.

Ive been thinking all day about this page [ mostly just cuz ive been tinkering with it all day long ] and im just gonna fucking. put whatever here. I always really struggle with sharing anything about myself at all, which is something ive been trying to fix. Everytime i make a space for myself to be myself, and then invite others into it, i dont even know how to talk anymore; happened with my tumblr and many other things. SO my personal test is to just say things. And that might work cuz not like im gonna have any clue who's reading this. All of this mostly just spawned from me thinking about who would even be reading this.

I haven't done much today. The weather was lovely once more. I worked on this site, did my work, went to class, and now im here. I havent eaten all day and I cut my finger real bad with my new knife. At least i know how sharp it is now? Really sharp, could stab the shit out of somebody with it. Alas, only my finger tip. I like it even more now, sliced my finger like butter. knives are cool.



I think I just wanted to show off my knife. and naturally i had to add some annoying tranny shit cuz thats what i do : ) dont play with knives

Dont know what ill do for the rest of the day. Ive just been wigging out all day long but I get to just do my own thing tomorrow thankfully. I got a lot of things done and had a producitve day, so i can stop now. I think i will play zomboid later, eat mac & cheese or pizza rolls, or draw. work on calender. idk !
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fuuuuuuuuuuck i need to get the micro log done so i can just write shit and bitch and mald all the fucking time whenever

hooo boy, I finally have this running now. Ideally I'd like to commit to this as much as possible, for my own personal sake. This website is supposed to act as a personal corner for me, but truth be told I havent ever really done that before. I might just exclusively share this with a few friends.. maybe tumblr people. idk, unlikely to promote it since im actually being a living being here.

Ive been working on all this for a while now. I feel like I have really started to get the hang of html & css, and im pleasantly surprised by how fast I can come up with stuff now. It all just.. clicks. And Ive been thinking a lot lately, that this is a really good thing for me. I feel like the fact that I know how to read terminals and code helps me a ton with trying to learn tech shit, which I have been screwing with a lot lately.
I recently went to an open source club ran pretty much entirely by anarchist trans fems and it was the most awesome fucking thing ever. These folks taught me about a bunch of neat things, like about tails. Look up the tails project if u wanna know learn more or something, its pretty cool in my opinion, but im easy to impress.
I dont even particularly have any need for tails, I just liked it, so I wanted to tinker with it on my own setup. Come to find out my acer laptop fucking reeks and cant automatically start up into BIOS or use a boot menu, which is total bullshit. I eventually got it to work.
I got a little more curious, like the malicious animal I am, and decided I wanted to test tails on some other computer; opted for a local public one. I only got as far as to the boot menu tho due to admin perms. Was also pretty unsure about if there couldve been any security programs preinstalled. didnt really do much beyond just taking a quick peek inside, but oh well, I will try somewhere else im a bit more familiar with. If nothing else, it was pretty fun screwing in the insides of a random ass puter.



Nifty lil' thing. Im pleasantly surprised I was able to get it running, and I really love that I was able to get it a purple usb.

The weather was pretty amazing today ngl. One of my classes got cancelled, so I just got a lot of free time to work on shit and I did good. Heard some horrible news about a friend but we roll with da punches. Fall is really setting in, you cant ignore it now. I hope we have more cool days, Im really sick of the heat.
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